Officially Saying Goodbye in Hawaii

Over Thanksgiving week, the whole family traveled to the Big Island to spend the week in paradise, celebrate Saleen's life, and lay her to rest among the waves in her favorite bay.

I won't lie, I was not looking forward to this trip. Up until the day before I flew out I questioned not getting on that plane. Ultimately though, I couldn't do that to Saleen's memory. I owed it to her to be a part of her final goodbye.

So I went.
And I'm so glad I did!
I don't think I've had such a good time with my brothers since we kids, and, you guys, Hawaii is BEAUTIFUL!

My family all arrived a day or two ahead of me, so when I flew in Monday afternoon, most were already in vacation mode and ready to chill. I spent that first evening poolside with my mom and enjoyed this view:

Day 2

Danielle, Brandie, and I explored Waipio Valley and the black sand beach. We had so much fun off-roading in our rented Jeep and exploring the beach and waves. It's amazing how much warmer the water is in Hawaii compared to the Oregon Coast.

Day 3

We all headed out with the intention of exploring the Hilo side of the island, starting with Akaka Falls. After the falls though, the 2 cars split up and just Jed, Danielle, Joie and I continued on to Hilo for lunch and then Volcano National Park so Joie could see her volcano (which was at the top of her Hawaii list).

Day 4

The fourth day was Thanksgiving. The day started off with time on the beach to myself. I FaceTimed with the family I normally spend the holiday with who were back in Seattle. It was fun to "see" them and wish them a Happy Thanksgiving while sitting next to the ocean with my toes in the sand. Later that day Danielle's aunt, who lives on the island, took us to a local spot for snorkeling. It was so fun! After hours of playing in the ocean, we had our Thanksgiving dinner at Lava Lava Beach Club and it was soooo good! It was weird to eat Thanksgiving dinner out (and I had a hamburger, ha!) but it was nice and laid back too. We ate out on the beach and listened to live music along with the waves. It's not what I want to do every Thanksgiving, but it was definitely a great experience.

Day 5

We spent most of the day at Hapuna Beach, a state beach that is so unbelievably gorgeous. We snorkeled, swam, built sand castles, and just generally enjoyed a relaxing day in the sun and surf. 

Day 6

This was the day we said goodbye to Saleen. We started out early in the morning with a hike through lava that led us to the most gorgeous bay I've ever seen. Saleen had told me about this spot a few times and she described it really well, but nothing could have prepared me for how amazing it was. The sand was like silt and the surf was unbelievably warm. It was a sobering morning, but much more cathartic than I anticipated. There were tears, there were hugs, and there sweet memories shared and made. It was difficult to have everything feel so final, but at the same time, it's exactly what I needed to move on. All of us were saying we wished we had done it earlier in the week because it seemed to help find some closure.

That afternoon and evening was the most fun I'd had in a long time. We played in the pool, drank, toasted to Saleen in the sunset, and just in general had a good time celebrating life. 

Day 7

Our final day. We were flying out at midnight, so we had one last, full day in paradise and none of us were ready to leave. We spent the day with a mix of pool, picking up a few souvenirs, and cleaning the condo we'd rented. We also made sure to get in one last happy hour at Lava Lava. I understand why Saleen always sent me texts of her evenings there. That place is magical at sunset. 

Danielle and I did not want to leave, but Jed (the level headed one) drug us away to get ready to head to the airport. It was such a lovely evening enjoying the atmosphere and conversation with one another. I began my trip not wanting to go to Hawaii, and I ended it looking forward to visiting again.

Three Months

Three months.

It's been three months.

3 months since you died.

How has it been three months already? How am I not ready to write about it yet? How am I not ready to accept it yet? Why do I still find myself moving to text you, only to remember too late. After I started the first sentence, then have to slowly delete what I wrote and put the phone down again. Feel the pain again. Remember that you're not on the other side, ready to laugh with me, share the joke, and make my day brighter. Why do I get excited when I read something online that I know you'll love as much as me, only to be crushed once again when I realize I can't send it to you and wait to hear your excitement match mine. Why do I get excited when I see our favorite band is touring again and think we should totally get tickets and see them together, only to accept the pain that I'll never be able to see them again, because how do I do that without you?

We're getting ready to go to Hawaii to celebrate your life. How do I enjoy that trip without you? How do I walk the paths you told me about so many times and not have you there with me?

How?

Fuck.
I miss you.

Trust In You

It's been a tough year.

I moved, got behind on my finances, was unemployed for 4 months, fell further behind in debt, experienced a rift in close relationships, had family drama. And most recently, lost one of my best friends to her battle with cancer.

Tough.

I sat listening to Pandora this morning while sipping my coffee and a song by Lauren Daigle came on that spoke to my heart. The title is "Trust in You," and I've heard it many, many times. Today though, something seeped in a little deeper.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I don't understand the purpose of this year in my life, and luckily I don't have to. God is in control and I'm done fighting for a control I will never have. I turn it over to Him and trust fully it will all be ok in the end.

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

Life Lately: The Past 4 Months (part 1)

I don't even know where to begin, so I guess I'll just start.

A little over 4 months ago (just before the first of the year) I packed up all my belongings, loaded them into a trailer, and drove them east to Idaho. I had made the decision to move back after 4 glorious years living in Portland.

When I first moved to Portland it was a leap of faith, and ironically, so was moving back.

I don't think anyone was more shocked at my decision than myself. Right up until I was pulling into the driveway in Boise, Idaho, I was questioning what I was doing. I felt at peace with everything, but part of me expected to wake up again in SE Portland - just down the road from some of my best friends, and an hour from the coast.

Reality settled in hard over the first few months of the year. Job searching was tough. I've never had trouble finding work before, but the job market had changed drastically in the 4 years I was gone. Not only were jobs hard to come by, but the pay was abysmal. After a few weeks it seemed I would have to figure out how to survive on 50% of the income I was used to.

And before you assume, no, the cost of living is not less in Boise than it was in Portland.

It seems that it should be, but it's not. In fact, in some ways my budget was impacted even more due to sales tax in Idaho. Groceries and gas were hitting me harder than they ever had in Portland.

Luckily my little brother and I were able to help each other out. He and his wife were purchasing their first home at the end of January, but they still had their lease to fulfill for a few months. I was able to move in and keep his landlord happy since someone would be there to watch the property and take care of the utilities, etc. and my brother was able to continue paying the rent - saving my $$ each month while I continued looking for work.

There were a few jobs here and there that I was interested in, but nothing seemed like the right next step.

During all of this I was stressed, but still felt solidly like Boise was where I needed to be. Friends reached out here and there wondering if I was going to move back to Portland, or venture on and try the job market somewhere new altogether. As exciting as a new city seemed though, my heart told me to be patient. That the right job was just around the corner, and that everything would work out.

"Trust God," was what I heard my heart say over and over.

I worked on letting go of the control I thought I had over the situation. I was embarrassed to be in the situation and my ego took a hard hit. I was humbled over a period of 12 weeks and felt, to my core, that the only thing to do was let go.

I had to let go and let God.

More soon...

Five Things That Will Always Bring A Smile To My Face

This face:

And this face:

And, of course, this face:

I seriously have the world's cutest nieces and nephew. I love watching them grow into their own as their personalities and passions develop. I never knew it was possible to love someone this much, let alone three of them! I can't wait to have my own kids someday and add to chaos at family events.

Something else that always brings a smile to my face is a rainy day at the coast:

I had the opportunity to visit the coast (and Portland) a couple weeks ago for a short trip (I promise I'll blog about the entire visit soon) and my day at Cannon Beach with the rain falling was perfect. I enjoyed coastal views, my favorite coffee shop, and wandering around the town I'm so sad is no longer just an hour drive away.

And the fifth thing on my list of things that make me smile is the sunset:

Nothing makes me feel more alive than catching an amazing sunset. One of the best things about living in Idaho again is the amazing sunsets that happen almost every night. I've been loving catching them on my drive home from my new job (another thing I promise to update the blog on soon)!

What are five things that will always bring a smile to your face?

A Look Back Over the Years

I took some time today to look back over the past 8 years. 

I graduated with my undergraduate degree in December of 2008, and since then I've accomplished many goals, experienced living in new and exciting places, visited multiple cities and states, and grown personally and professionally. While looking at the photos though, the thing that stands out to me the most is the growth I've had in my health.

Eight years ago I was about one year post-treatment, and was looking to jump start my fitness again. After nearly 3 years of high doses of steroids and chemo, my body was foreign to me and everything - even the simple things - hurt. It took until January 2010 to take my goals seriously, but the results, while slow, have been more than worth it.

I started a new bootcamp this week, and I am SORE. My arms hurt, my legs are stiff, and my core feels like I was in a car accident. And you know what?

I LOVE IT!

I feel alive. I feel grateful for the opportunity to push myself and be sore. I feel like I'm taking my health and fitness into my own hands, and controlling the outcome.

I can't wait to add on my photo for 2016 and see even more progress.

2015 Month By Month

January

2015 began in New York City and kicked off a year of adventure, travel, and great discoveries about myself. I returned home to Portland and spent the month soul-searching about the year ahead - what I wanted to do, where I wanted to live, and my goals for health and finances. Little did I know that the year would reveal much more about me than I was prepared for.

February

My job with TNT kept me traveling back and forth between Portland and Boise. I was able to spend time with my family while keeping myself planted in Portland. It was the perfect blend of calling the PNW home while spending time with my family, and earning Alaska Airline miles.

March

Starting the end of December, I had been working on fitness and weight loss. I steadily lost weight and increased my time outdoors over the months. I had the opportunity to meet up with friends and family for hikes, and enjoyed many good conversations in the great outdoors.

April

April was full of travel - Boise, Cannon Beach, Palm Springs, Saddle Mountain, Opal Creek, and Seattle. April was possibly my favorite month of 2015.

May

May began my crazy travel for work season. I enjoyed a long weekend at Disneyland with a great group of heroes and cheered on the Boise team through the heart of the city. I also spent time in Long Beach with family, and, of course, visited Cannon Beach too.

June

A bittersweet month. I wrapped up my time at TNT with a trip to Lake Tahoe with my cycle family. I was sad to leave TNT, but excited to be starting my new job as the Marketing Manager at CCA. With true optimism, I thought the career change would bring the best opportunities and be the start of a new life in Portland. Little did I know it was the beginning of the end.

July

The height of summer - concerts, beach trips, hikes... the best things in life all enjoyed with good friends.

August

Started training for a half marathon, saw "Wicked," caught up with friends from Australia, photographed many families, found the best apartment in Portland, visited the coast... so many good things in August.

September

Generally speaking, September is my favorite month of the year. Fall arrives, my birthday is celebrated, and the leaves begin to change. This year September was tough for me. Things had been difficult at work for a few months, and it came to a head in September. I had the flu on my birthday, and plans fell through for any celebration. I had plans for the second New York trip of the year in Oct though, and in September I received my tickets to see Jimmy Fallon, and my nephew was born on the 25th... so it wasn't all bad.

October

There are few places I've loved more than NYC. 

Strike that. 

There's no place I've loved more than NYC.

The skyline, the culture, the chaos... I love it all and itch to go back. As often as possible.

I enjoyed 4 glorious days in New York in October, quit my (horrible) job, and ended the month with the hardest news I've received to date and headed to Palm Springs. October brought the highest highs and lowest lows of 2015.

November

My niece officially turned seven, and I officially feel old. I started and quit my job as a nanny, and decided my life was leading me to another big change. I didn't think I was ready to make this big decision yet, but I proved myself wrong and began the process of moving back to Idaho.

December

December was a month of saying goodbye to Portland and the many amazing friends I had made there. I fit in 3 more trips - San Francisco, Palm Springs, and Seattle - and spent a day at the coast, making memories. The month was emotional, and difficult, but overall I knew I had made the right decision in choosing to head back to Idaho. 

2015 was a year of change, growth, adventure, and self discovery. It was a year of top experiences and low emotions, and all have led to many great things. 

I look forward to discovering all 2016 has in store for me.