What Are You Afraid Of?

I had a good friend call me on my shit last night.

"What are you afraid of?"

He asked me this question in response to a conversation surrounding my desire to run away from Portland. I've had a wild hair and it's been a tough desire to shake. He mentioned that for him to pick up and move would be a huge disruption to life, and take 6-12 months to execute. He listed all the annoyances that come with moving - finding a new place to live, forwarding mail, re-building your tribe, etc. I listened to his list and literally laughed out loud.

The thrill of change is like a drug to me. The seeking of new people to build relationships with (even if they are only for a short time). Searching for new job opportunities, new places to explore, new coffee shops to frequent... this all fills me with a sense of adventure, pride and excitement. After telling him this, his response was,

"So when is it time to grow up and recognize that what has always worked for you in the past, may not work as well for your future?"

If anyone else had asked me this question, I would have answered with a polite, "fuck you." And to be honest, I was tempted to tell him that as well, but something gave me pause. I sat with his question for a moment and heard the truth in it.

The honeymoon stage is always the best part of any relationship or job. But what happens when you pass that stage and remain in the relationship? I honestly don't know. I've never stayed that long.

What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of sticking it out. Afraid of not hearing how amazing I am, because I'm no longer new to team. Afraid of friendships waining because they find new interests and new people to explore them with. Afraid of growing roots. Afraid of people seeing who I really am, and not liking me anymore.

Suddenly the challenge of picking up and moving isn't what's exciting me anymore. The challenge of staying is what's on my mind today. It's not going to be easy, but I have a feeling the outcome will be better this time.

I may just be ready to lean in to the uncomfortable and face this fear head on.

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