Control and the Lack Thereof

I don't consider myself a control freak.  I tend to go with the flow, be spontaneous, and enjoy the waves of life.

I would, however, consider myself a lack of control freak.

I've noticed over the years that when outside forces begin to dictate a large part of my life - school, work, family obligations, etc - my first reaction is to grab onto what little area I can control and squeeze it harder than Lenny held those precious bunnies.  (Yes, I'm a literature nerd.)

Unfortunately, I don't tend to control those precious choices well.  I would love to say that I form the available 'me time' into 'healthy time,' filled with workouts, healthy food and plenty of sleep. Instead I find myself canceling workouts through half asleep texts and going back to sleep.  I stay up too late, watch way too much Hulu and Netflix and neglect the things I really enjoy - friends, reading, blogging, photography, etc.

Life is, and has been, busy.  I'm essentially working 2 full time jobs, traveling for both work and family often, and still involved with many community projects outside of work.  There are many elements in my day-to-day life that I cannot control.  I have specific hours I have to be somewhere other than home, specific tasks that have to be accomplished that do not include my own errands, and specific people I have to coordinate every little detail with.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life and what I do.  I enjoy both jobs (for the most part) immensely, and I'm absolutely over the moon at the opportunity to see my family more often.

It's.  Hard.

I woke up this morning extremely disappointed to see that I had overslept and missed an opportunity to see a friend of mine and go for a walk.  Apparently I had woken up to my alarm and sent her a text canceling.  I honestly don't remember doing it.  That both worries me and irritates me.  The kicker is that I told her I had "one too many glasses of wine last night."  Umm, I only had ONE glass of wine last night, and I didn't even finish it.
My subconscious is sabotaging me.

I don't want this post to be a total downer, but I did want to vent my frustrations.

Moving forward I want to focus on all the healthy and great things I could do with my free time.  I can exercise, visit with friends, blog, hike, go for a drive, visit the coast, prepare meals for the week....

I'm determined to channel this energy into something healthy.


  1. I'm sorry hun... I feel you. I've had a lot of the same things come up lately. I've had to say no to opportunities that I don't want to say no to. I've had to miss out on friend time in order to spend time working. It is frustrating. Though, I also know that this is only a moment. Things will get easier at some point and I *think* I will be happier overall that I worked hard to take care of necessary things now. I hope more control is in sight for you!

  2. Aww hang in there lady!!! I totally feel ya....I realized I was spending to much on blogging and not enough on my workouts for myself. I kinda had to take a step back to re-center....