Trust In You

It's been a tough year.

I moved, got behind on my finances, was unemployed for 4 months, fell further behind in debt, experienced a rift in close relationships, had family drama. And most recently, lost one of my best friends to her battle with cancer.

Tough.

I sat listening to Pandora this morning while sipping my coffee and a song by Lauren Daigle came on that spoke to my heart. The title is "Trust in You," and I've heard it many, many times. Today though, something seeped in a little deeper.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I don't understand the purpose of this year in my life, and luckily I don't have to. God is in control and I'm done fighting for a control I will never have. I turn it over to Him and trust fully it will all be ok in the end.

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

Life Lately: The Past 4 Months (part 1)

I don't even know where to begin, so I guess I'll just start.

A little over 4 months ago (just before the first of the year) I packed up all my belongings, loaded them into a trailer, and drove them east to Idaho. I had made the decision to move back after 4 glorious years living in Portland.

When I first moved to Portland it was a leap of faith, and ironically, so was moving back.

I don't think anyone was more shocked at my decision than myself. Right up until I was pulling into the driveway in Boise, Idaho, I was questioning what I was doing. I felt at peace with everything, but part of me expected to wake up again in SE Portland - just down the road from some of my best friends, and an hour from the coast.

Reality settled in hard over the first few months of the year. Job searching was tough. I've never had trouble finding work before, but the job market had changed drastically in the 4 years I was gone. Not only were jobs hard to come by, but the pay was abysmal. After a few weeks it seemed I would have to figure out how to survive on 50% of the income I was used to.

And before you assume, no, the cost of living is not less in Boise than it was in Portland.

It seems that it should be, but it's not. In fact, in some ways my budget was impacted even more due to sales tax in Idaho. Groceries and gas were hitting me harder than they ever had in Portland.

Luckily my little brother and I were able to help each other out. He and his wife were purchasing their first home at the end of January, but they still had their lease to fulfill for a few months. I was able to move in and keep his landlord happy since someone would be there to watch the property and take care of the utilities, etc. and my brother was able to continue paying the rent - saving my $$ each month while I continued looking for work.

There were a few jobs here and there that I was interested in, but nothing seemed like the right next step.

During all of this I was stressed, but still felt solidly like Boise was where I needed to be. Friends reached out here and there wondering if I was going to move back to Portland, or venture on and try the job market somewhere new altogether. As exciting as a new city seemed though, my heart told me to be patient. That the right job was just around the corner, and that everything would work out.

"Trust God," was what I heard my heart say over and over.

I worked on letting go of the control I thought I had over the situation. I was embarrassed to be in the situation and my ego took a hard hit. I was humbled over a period of 12 weeks and felt, to my core, that the only thing to do was let go.

I had to let go and let God.

More soon...

Five Things That Will Always Bring A Smile To My Face

This face:

And this face:

And, of course, this face:

I seriously have the world's cutest nieces and nephew. I love watching them grow into their own as their personalities and passions develop. I never knew it was possible to love someone this much, let alone three of them! I can't wait to have my own kids someday and add to chaos at family events.

Something else that always brings a smile to my face is a rainy day at the coast:

I had the opportunity to visit the coast (and Portland) a couple weeks ago for a short trip (I promise I'll blog about the entire visit soon) and my day at Cannon Beach with the rain falling was perfect. I enjoyed coastal views, my favorite coffee shop, and wandering around the town I'm so sad is no longer just an hour drive away.

And the fifth thing on my list of things that make me smile is the sunset:

Nothing makes me feel more alive than catching an amazing sunset. One of the best things about living in Idaho again is the amazing sunsets that happen almost every night. I've been loving catching them on my drive home from my new job (another thing I promise to update the blog on soon)!

What are five things that will always bring a smile to your face?

A Look Back Over the Years

I took some time today to look back over the past 8 years. 

I graduated with my undergraduate degree in December of 2008, and since then I've accomplished many goals, experienced living in new and exciting places, visited multiple cities and states, and grown personally and professionally. While looking at the photos though, the thing that stands out to me the most is the growth I've had in my health.

Eight years ago I was about one year post-treatment, and was looking to jump start my fitness again. After nearly 3 years of high doses of steroids and chemo, my body was foreign to me and everything - even the simple things - hurt. It took until January 2010 to take my goals seriously, but the results, while slow, have been more than worth it.

I started a new bootcamp this week, and I am SORE. My arms hurt, my legs are stiff, and my core feels like I was in a car accident. And you know what?

I LOVE IT!

I feel alive. I feel grateful for the opportunity to push myself and be sore. I feel like I'm taking my health and fitness into my own hands, and controlling the outcome.

I can't wait to add on my photo for 2016 and see even more progress.

2015 Month By Month

January

2015 began in New York City and kicked off a year of adventure, travel, and great discoveries about myself. I returned home to Portland and spent the month soul-searching about the year ahead - what I wanted to do, where I wanted to live, and my goals for health and finances. Little did I know that the year would reveal much more about me than I was prepared for.

February

My job with TNT kept me traveling back and forth between Portland and Boise. I was able to spend time with my family while keeping myself planted in Portland. It was the perfect blend of calling the PNW home while spending time with my family, and earning Alaska Airline miles.

March

Starting the end of December, I had been working on fitness and weight loss. I steadily lost weight and increased my time outdoors over the months. I had the opportunity to meet up with friends and family for hikes, and enjoyed many good conversations in the great outdoors.

April

April was full of travel - Boise, Cannon Beach, Palm Springs, Saddle Mountain, Opal Creek, and Seattle. April was possibly my favorite month of 2015.

May

May began my crazy travel for work season. I enjoyed a long weekend at Disneyland with a great group of heroes and cheered on the Boise team through the heart of the city. I also spent time in Long Beach with family, and, of course, visited Cannon Beach too.

June

A bittersweet month. I wrapped up my time at TNT with a trip to Lake Tahoe with my cycle family. I was sad to leave TNT, but excited to be starting my new job as the Marketing Manager at CCA. With true optimism, I thought the career change would bring the best opportunities and be the start of a new life in Portland. Little did I know it was the beginning of the end.

July

The height of summer - concerts, beach trips, hikes... the best things in life all enjoyed with good friends.

August

Started training for a half marathon, saw "Wicked," caught up with friends from Australia, photographed many families, found the best apartment in Portland, visited the coast... so many good things in August.

September

Generally speaking, September is my favorite month of the year. Fall arrives, my birthday is celebrated, and the leaves begin to change. This year September was tough for me. Things had been difficult at work for a few months, and it came to a head in September. I had the flu on my birthday, and plans fell through for any celebration. I had plans for the second New York trip of the year in Oct though, and in September I received my tickets to see Jimmy Fallon, and my nephew was born on the 25th... so it wasn't all bad.

October

There are few places I've loved more than NYC. 

Strike that. 

There's no place I've loved more than NYC.

The skyline, the culture, the chaos... I love it all and itch to go back. As often as possible.

I enjoyed 4 glorious days in New York in October, quit my (horrible) job, and ended the month with the hardest news I've received to date and headed to Palm Springs. October brought the highest highs and lowest lows of 2015.

November

My niece officially turned seven, and I officially feel old. I started and quit my job as a nanny, and decided my life was leading me to another big change. I didn't think I was ready to make this big decision yet, but I proved myself wrong and began the process of moving back to Idaho.

December

December was a month of saying goodbye to Portland and the many amazing friends I had made there. I fit in 3 more trips - San Francisco, Palm Springs, and Seattle - and spent a day at the coast, making memories. The month was emotional, and difficult, but overall I knew I had made the right decision in choosing to head back to Idaho. 

2015 was a year of change, growth, adventure, and self discovery. It was a year of top experiences and low emotions, and all have led to many great things. 

I look forward to discovering all 2016 has in store for me.

San Franciscan Adventures

Back in early December I had the opportunity to travel to, and explore, San Francisco with my friend Tam, and Airbnb's newest endeavor.

Airbnb is working on branching out from just offering housing in many beautiful locations, and is working through the logistics of offering thematic excursions in multiple cities. I was one of many lucky participants sent by the company to SFO for three nights with a pre-planned itinerary meant to introduce us to many hidden gems not commonly explored by tourists.

By choosing the "Urban Adventurer's" theme, I enjoyed: a hike through the heart of the city that included 4 of the tallest peaks that offered amazing views, a private dinner and desert that ended with a night tour of the city as we enjoyed our ice cream, a moderate hike through Muir Woods, privately catered four-course Argentinian dinner in the Chef's home, and one of the best brunches I've ever enjoyed with the new friends I'd made.

The experience was one I'll always remember, and I'm grateful for having had the opportunity to explore San Francisco in a whole new way.

Priorities and Why I'm Moving Back to Idaho

Priorities shift in life. And sometimes they outright change. What we want may start to look different and suddenly choices we never thought we'd make are being made and plans are building to accomplish it.

When I first moved to Portland almost 4 years ago, my main priority was independence. I needed to prove to myself that I could move to new and unknown territory and survive. I surprised myself by not only surviving, but thriving. I found great apartments in the city, secured a few great jobs, explored and adventured in the area, and best of all, I found my tribe.

The friends that I've made while living in Portland have been some of the best people I know. They've been there for me when I've needed to cry, vent, or enjoy a good glass of wine. They've helped me move, helped me network, and two even named me Odd (God) Parent to their newborn. They've helped me discover so much about myself, and for that I am eternally grateful.

The idea of leaving the city and people I love is a tough one. It makes me sad to think about packing up the trailer and driving away in just a few short weeks.

But my priorities have changed.

For almost a year now the idea of moving back to Boise has been on my heart, but I've been pushing it aside and ignoring it. I chose to leave that place didn't I? I had very good, valid reasons for leaving, so why would I consider going back?

Family.

I miss my family. Seeing my brothers, sisters, mom, dad and niece every few months is just not enough. Each time I get back on that plane to leave again it gets more difficult. My niece squeezing me tight and asking me not to leave breaks my heart.

My niece turned seven in November and when I asked her what she wanted for her gift you know what she told me?

"I want you to move back to Boise."

I laughed at the time and told her that wasn't going to happen, but it sunk in deep and I haven't been able to shake it since.

I want a family someday. I want a husband and kids. And I want to raise those kids close to my family where they can see their aunts, uncles, cousins and Nana and Papa as often as possible. I grew up very close to my extended family, and I want nothing less for my own kids someday.

So, ironically, I used to wake up in Boise afraid I was going to meet someone, fall in love, and be stuck there. Now I worry I'll fall in love with someone in Portland and have to try and convince them to move closer to my family.

Life is funny isn't it?