Trust In You

It's been a tough year.

I moved, got behind on my finances, was unemployed for 4 months, fell further behind in debt, experienced a rift in close relationships, had family drama. And most recently, lost one of my best friends to her battle with cancer.

Tough.

I sat listening to Pandora this morning while sipping my coffee and a song by Lauren Daigle came on that spoke to my heart. The title is "Trust in You," and I've heard it many, many times. Today though, something seeped in a little deeper.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I don't understand the purpose of this year in my life, and luckily I don't have to. God is in control and I'm done fighting for a control I will never have. I turn it over to Him and trust fully it will all be ok in the end.

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

Life Lately: The Past 4 Months (part 1)

I don't even know where to begin, so I guess I'll just start.

A little over 4 months ago (just before the first of the year) I packed up all my belongings, loaded them into a trailer, and drove them east to Idaho. I had made the decision to move back after 4 glorious years living in Portland.

When I first moved to Portland it was a leap of faith, and ironically, so was moving back.

I don't think anyone was more shocked at my decision than myself. Right up until I was pulling into the driveway in Boise, Idaho, I was questioning what I was doing. I felt at peace with everything, but part of me expected to wake up again in SE Portland - just down the road from some of my best friends, and an hour from the coast.

Reality settled in hard over the first few months of the year. Job searching was tough. I've never had trouble finding work before, but the job market had changed drastically in the 4 years I was gone. Not only were jobs hard to come by, but the pay was abysmal. After a few weeks it seemed I would have to figure out how to survive on 50% of the income I was used to.

And before you assume, no, the cost of living is not less in Boise than it was in Portland.

It seems that it should be, but it's not. In fact, in some ways my budget was impacted even more due to sales tax in Idaho. Groceries and gas were hitting me harder than they ever had in Portland.

Luckily my little brother and I were able to help each other out. He and his wife were purchasing their first home at the end of January, but they still had their lease to fulfill for a few months. I was able to move in and keep his landlord happy since someone would be there to watch the property and take care of the utilities, etc. and my brother was able to continue paying the rent - saving my $$ each month while I continued looking for work.

There were a few jobs here and there that I was interested in, but nothing seemed like the right next step.

During all of this I was stressed, but still felt solidly like Boise was where I needed to be. Friends reached out here and there wondering if I was going to move back to Portland, or venture on and try the job market somewhere new altogether. As exciting as a new city seemed though, my heart told me to be patient. That the right job was just around the corner, and that everything would work out.

"Trust God," was what I heard my heart say over and over.

I worked on letting go of the control I thought I had over the situation. I was embarrassed to be in the situation and my ego took a hard hit. I was humbled over a period of 12 weeks and felt, to my core, that the only thing to do was let go.

I had to let go and let God.

More soon...

A Look Back Over the Years

I took some time today to look back over the past 8 years. 

I graduated with my undergraduate degree in December of 2008, and since then I've accomplished many goals, experienced living in new and exciting places, visited multiple cities and states, and grown personally and professionally. While looking at the photos though, the thing that stands out to me the most is the growth I've had in my health.

Eight years ago I was about one year post-treatment, and was looking to jump start my fitness again. After nearly 3 years of high doses of steroids and chemo, my body was foreign to me and everything - even the simple things - hurt. It took until January 2010 to take my goals seriously, but the results, while slow, have been more than worth it.

I started a new bootcamp this week, and I am SORE. My arms hurt, my legs are stiff, and my core feels like I was in a car accident. And you know what?

I LOVE IT!

I feel alive. I feel grateful for the opportunity to push myself and be sore. I feel like I'm taking my health and fitness into my own hands, and controlling the outcome.

I can't wait to add on my photo for 2016 and see even more progress.

2015 Month By Month

January

2015 began in New York City and kicked off a year of adventure, travel, and great discoveries about myself. I returned home to Portland and spent the month soul-searching about the year ahead - what I wanted to do, where I wanted to live, and my goals for health and finances. Little did I know that the year would reveal much more about me than I was prepared for.

February

My job with TNT kept me traveling back and forth between Portland and Boise. I was able to spend time with my family while keeping myself planted in Portland. It was the perfect blend of calling the PNW home while spending time with my family, and earning Alaska Airline miles.

March

Starting the end of December, I had been working on fitness and weight loss. I steadily lost weight and increased my time outdoors over the months. I had the opportunity to meet up with friends and family for hikes, and enjoyed many good conversations in the great outdoors.

April

April was full of travel - Boise, Cannon Beach, Palm Springs, Saddle Mountain, Opal Creek, and Seattle. April was possibly my favorite month of 2015.

May

May began my crazy travel for work season. I enjoyed a long weekend at Disneyland with a great group of heroes and cheered on the Boise team through the heart of the city. I also spent time in Long Beach with family, and, of course, visited Cannon Beach too.

June

A bittersweet month. I wrapped up my time at TNT with a trip to Lake Tahoe with my cycle family. I was sad to leave TNT, but excited to be starting my new job as the Marketing Manager at CCA. With true optimism, I thought the career change would bring the best opportunities and be the start of a new life in Portland. Little did I know it was the beginning of the end.

July

The height of summer - concerts, beach trips, hikes... the best things in life all enjoyed with good friends.

August

Started training for a half marathon, saw "Wicked," caught up with friends from Australia, photographed many families, found the best apartment in Portland, visited the coast... so many good things in August.

September

Generally speaking, September is my favorite month of the year. Fall arrives, my birthday is celebrated, and the leaves begin to change. This year September was tough for me. Things had been difficult at work for a few months, and it came to a head in September. I had the flu on my birthday, and plans fell through for any celebration. I had plans for the second New York trip of the year in Oct though, and in September I received my tickets to see Jimmy Fallon, and my nephew was born on the 25th... so it wasn't all bad.

October

There are few places I've loved more than NYC. 

Strike that. 

There's no place I've loved more than NYC.

The skyline, the culture, the chaos... I love it all and itch to go back. As often as possible.

I enjoyed 4 glorious days in New York in October, quit my (horrible) job, and ended the month with the hardest news I've received to date and headed to Palm Springs. October brought the highest highs and lowest lows of 2015.

November

My niece officially turned seven, and I officially feel old. I started and quit my job as a nanny, and decided my life was leading me to another big change. I didn't think I was ready to make this big decision yet, but I proved myself wrong and began the process of moving back to Idaho.

December

December was a month of saying goodbye to Portland and the many amazing friends I had made there. I fit in 3 more trips - San Francisco, Palm Springs, and Seattle - and spent a day at the coast, making memories. The month was emotional, and difficult, but overall I knew I had made the right decision in choosing to head back to Idaho. 

2015 was a year of change, growth, adventure, and self discovery. It was a year of top experiences and low emotions, and all have led to many great things. 

I look forward to discovering all 2016 has in store for me.

Priorities and Why I'm Moving Back to Idaho

Priorities shift in life. And sometimes they outright change. What we want may start to look different and suddenly choices we never thought we'd make are being made and plans are building to accomplish it.

When I first moved to Portland almost 4 years ago, my main priority was independence. I needed to prove to myself that I could move to new and unknown territory and survive. I surprised myself by not only surviving, but thriving. I found great apartments in the city, secured a few great jobs, explored and adventured in the area, and best of all, I found my tribe.

The friends that I've made while living in Portland have been some of the best people I know. They've been there for me when I've needed to cry, vent, or enjoy a good glass of wine. They've helped me move, helped me network, and two even named me Odd (God) Parent to their newborn. They've helped me discover so much about myself, and for that I am eternally grateful.

The idea of leaving the city and people I love is a tough one. It makes me sad to think about packing up the trailer and driving away in just a few short weeks.

But my priorities have changed.

For almost a year now the idea of moving back to Boise has been on my heart, but I've been pushing it aside and ignoring it. I chose to leave that place didn't I? I had very good, valid reasons for leaving, so why would I consider going back?

Family.

I miss my family. Seeing my brothers, sisters, mom, dad and niece every few months is just not enough. Each time I get back on that plane to leave again it gets more difficult. My niece squeezing me tight and asking me not to leave breaks my heart.

My niece turned seven in November and when I asked her what she wanted for her gift you know what she told me?

"I want you to move back to Boise."

I laughed at the time and told her that wasn't going to happen, but it sunk in deep and I haven't been able to shake it since.

I want a family someday. I want a husband and kids. And I want to raise those kids close to my family where they can see their aunts, uncles, cousins and Nana and Papa as often as possible. I grew up very close to my extended family, and I want nothing less for my own kids someday.

So, ironically, I used to wake up in Boise afraid I was going to meet someone, fall in love, and be stuck there. Now I worry I'll fall in love with someone in Portland and have to try and convince them to move closer to my family.

Life is funny isn't it?

Ch-Cha-Changes

I applied for a new job back in April.
I worked extremely hard to get this new job, perhaps the hardest I've ever worked.

I networked.
I met with a consultant on my resume.
I beefed up my Linked In page.
I researched best interview techniques.
I made follow up calls and emails to HR after applying.

I worked hard.

In June I started this new job. And last week I walked away from it.

I was sure I had landed my dream job. It was in the industry I've come to know and love, with people I thought were on the same page as me, had the same passion as me and were working to better the community with me. The networking opportunities were out of this world with connections to every creative field I could dream of, and the salary was a large step forward.

But it wasn't enough.

I'm a big believer in working hard for what you want, while continually assessing to make sure it's still what's right for you. This job was perfect on paper, but the reality of the situation was less than ideal. I wasn't being treated well,  was fighting an uphill battle with the executives, and was asked to follow guidelines that were not ethically correct.

I gave it 5 months of effort, but when it all boiled down the cons outweighed the pros and everything was pointing toward moving on. So I did.

I got a call on a Friday morning about a family emergency. I took a flight that night to be there for my family. I called HR and told them that the future was unclear and that I needed to think about my options. I ultimately decided to give my two weeks notice that Sunday. My boss responded with a curt "there's no need for you to return. We'll box up your desk." This response from her, coupled with the fact that she never once asked how my family was, told me I'd made the right decision. I was not valued as an individual in that office, and it was killing my soul.

Obviously I have to work. I have bills to pay same as everyone else, but I didn't want to rush into just another office job, so I called the nanny agency I'd worked with in the past. After a brief conversation they suggested a family that needed weekend help. I'd be working Friday - Sunday and making the same amount of money I was making at my office job. Seemed like a good fit, so I met with the family, spent a day going through the scheduled routine and LOVED it!

I don't know how long I'll be a nanny this time around, but it's definitely a welcomed breath of fresh air right now. The hours are good, the parent's are lovely and the kids? Well, just look at those adorable faces...

For now I'm content, and to me, that's all that matters.

What Are You Afraid Of?

I had a good friend call me on my shit last night.

"What are you afraid of?"

He asked me this question in response to a conversation surrounding my desire to run away from Portland. I've had a wild hair and it's been a tough desire to shake. He mentioned that for him to pick up and move would be a huge disruption to life, and take 6-12 months to execute. He listed all the annoyances that come with moving - finding a new place to live, forwarding mail, re-building your tribe, etc. I listened to his list and literally laughed out loud.

The thrill of change is like a drug to me. The seeking of new people to build relationships with (even if they are only for a short time). Searching for new job opportunities, new places to explore, new coffee shops to frequent... this all fills me with a sense of adventure, pride and excitement. After telling him this, his response was,

"So when is it time to grow up and recognize that what has always worked for you in the past, may not work as well for your future?"

If anyone else had asked me this question, I would have answered with a polite, "fuck you." And to be honest, I was tempted to tell him that as well, but something gave me pause. I sat with his question for a moment and heard the truth in it.

The honeymoon stage is always the best part of any relationship or job. But what happens when you pass that stage and remain in the relationship? I honestly don't know. I've never stayed that long.

What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of sticking it out. Afraid of not hearing how amazing I am, because I'm no longer new to team. Afraid of friendships waining because they find new interests and new people to explore them with. Afraid of growing roots. Afraid of people seeing who I really am, and not liking me anymore.

Suddenly the challenge of picking up and moving isn't what's exciting me anymore. The challenge of staying is what's on my mind today. It's not going to be easy, but I have a feeling the outcome will be better this time.

I may just be ready to lean in to the uncomfortable and face this fear head on.

Something I Feel Strongly About

I had a conversation with my six year old niece back in November. She asked me what my tattoo said since she couldn't read cursive yet and when I told her "love," she asked me why.

"Because I believe that love is the most important thing in the world," I answered.

"Oh," she replied thoughtfully, and after a short pause said, "I don't agree."

"That's ok," I told her, "you have the right to disagree. What do you think the most important thing in the world is?"

"Friendship." She replied.

"That's a great answer," I said. "Friendship is definitely very important. How do you express your friendship?"

"By being nice, playing together, sharing, and putting my arm around them if they are sad or crying," she said.

"Those are all great ways to show your friends you love them," I said.

After a long and thoughtful pause my niece broke out in a great big smile and exclaimed, "You're right, love IS the most important thing!"

Five Ways to Win My Heart

In an effort to get back in the habit of writing a little something each day, I've decided to follow a 30 day blogging challenge. The prompts won't always be great, but hopefully the writing will be, or if not great, at the very least, entertaining.

So here we go.

Day 1 | Five Ways to Win My Heart

1 | Be Available

Be present, be aware and be open to consistent communication. I am a communicator and being able to express your needs is important to me. It may not always be comfortable to hear it, but it's still important to me to know and be able to provide for you.

2 | Don't Be Afraid to Be Silly

Life is too short to be serious, and gosh darn it being silly is just so much more fun. 

Stuck in traffic? Let's see how many people in cars around us we can make laugh.

Long line at the grocery store? Contest to see who can make the cashier smile first!

Did Starbucks write the wrong name on your cup? Only answer to that name for the rest of the day!

There's a time to be professional and there's a time to be silly. Know the difference and own it.

3 | Be Good With Kids

There is nothing more endearing than a man who is good with children. Be comfortable holding a baby. Enjoy lying on the floor and using your imagination. Snuggle up and read aloud a good book. Bonus points if you use voices. 

4 | Be Comfortable Using Uncomfortable Phrases

Say "I'm sorry," "I forgive you," "Please forgive me," and "I love you," as often as necessary. 

5 | Allow Me to Love You

Letting down your guard and allowing someone to love you isn't easy. We all have past-life baggage and hurts that run deep, but being able to push through and be vulnerable enough to risk being hurt again is important. I'm willing to be hurt by you, please be willing to be hurt by me and trust me enough to know that I will never intentionally cause you pain.

Easter on the Oregon Coast

Originally I was going to travel north to my aunt and uncle's house in Kelso, Washington for the holiday.  At the last minute, due to a few schedule changes and a time crunch for my cousin and her family, I decided against going, telling them all I'd see them in a couple of weeks.  I love time with my family, but sometimes the added pressure of it being a holiday puts everyone a bit on edge, and it makes me uncomfortable.

This past week has been really, really tough for me with a lot of emotional things going on at work and a few strained relationships, so the idea of being uncomfortable and around stress just did not sound appealing.  I felt badly for canceling with my family, but I'm proud of myself for making a choice to take care of me.

I jumped in the car and decided to head west, toward the coast. Before today it had been a couple months since I was last on the coast, and I was way overdue for a visit. I headed to Tillamook first, and then swung north and hugged the coastline on the 101 up to Cannon Beach.  I listened to music, had the windows rolled down, drank coffee and stopped the car anytime that felt right to snap a few photos.

It was amazing, and just what my soul needed.

Life Lately | Therapy

I'm not sure how I want to talk about this on here, but I'm going to want to keep notes I'm sure, so I'm going to do my best.  

I've been going to therapy for a few weeks now.  I didn't really have any specific reason to go.  Mostly I've been feeling some underlying depression and wanted to address it.  I wanted to know why I wasn't as happy as I've been in the past.  

Why am I not excited about new opportunities and view them more as ways to add stress?

Why do I push aside my own wants and desires to fit the mold that helps others more than myself?

Why do I feel guilt about my health but not address it and fix it?

I haven't found the answers to these questions in the few sessions I've had, but I'm hopeful I will someday.  And I'm sure I'll develop more questions along the way.  What I have discovered is that I have many more things than I originally thought to work through.  Things that I thought I'd long since forgiven, forgotten and moved past are popping up in my sessions.  

And I'm not gonna lie, it's wigging me out a bit.

Today we discussed my need to people please.  How I swallow my true feelings in order to keep the peace and how I take on other people's problems to solve them.  My therapist noted that there is a link between people pleasers and over eating.  

I find this fascinating.  

I'm going to stop there.  I'm not ready to write out any more discoveries or go more in depth with what I've discussed here, but I will eventually, because it's going to be what I need to move forward.

Rapid Fire Confession Time

It's Wednesday, and you know what that means... it's time for some Humpday Confessions

Here are my confessions this week, rapid-fire-down-n-dirty style:

• It's been hot lately, and I've begun sweating in places I didn't know existed.
• I also didn't know it was possible to chafe in some of those places.
• I've never been a country music fan, but I've been listening to it more and more these days and I'm loving it... this doesn't mean I'm pregnant does it?  #JustKiddingThatsNotPossible
• I've been having dirty thoughts lately about my masseuse.  Is this unethical?
• Even if it is unethical, I don't see myself stopping anytime soon. #PrettiestManIHaveEverSeen #SorryNotSorry
• I've been avoiding all forms of responsibility while simultaneously working on an application for graduate school
• And eating a lot of popsicles.
• Girls Night Out has become less of a special event and more of a necessary experience on a semi-regular basis.
• I need to do laundry because I'm almost out of clean underwear. 
• I'm seriously considering just stopping by Target after work today to buy new underwear and continue avoiding said laundry.
• Buying new underwear will no doubt be happening today.

Confessions on this happy Humpday

It's Wednesday, and that means I'm here to make some confessions, let's get to it, shall we?

||  I 've fallen into a Netflix black hole.  It's not the first time by any means, but it's bad news bears over here people.  I started watching the show Brothers & Sisters Sunday morning and finished my 23rd episode last night.  That's a lot of TV in a very short period of time y'all.

||  I'm not ashamed to admit that I have gotten teary cried sobbed over more than one episode.  It's just so damn real.

||  I hate the heat.  If I had my own perfect world it would never get above 75 degrees and never drop below 50.  In spite of this I'm really excited to head to Palm Springs next week - where the average day is well over 110 degrees.  But I can handle this because of day drinking and swimming pools.

||  Ever since my cousin introduced me to the faux pancake (2 eggs, cinnamon and 1 banana) I've not eaten anything else for breakfast.  That introduction happened well over 2 months ago.

||  Sometimes I don't comment on my friends' Facebook status or pictures, even though I really want to and I have something really funny to add.  I can no longer stand getting notifications from the other 20 people who don't have something clever to add.

||  Going along with the previous confession, I'm totally judging your friend who writes "lol" or ";)" on Every. Single. Damn. Post. of yours.

That's it for this week folks.  Head on over to Vodka and Soda to read some more humpday confessions!

Humpday Confessions | Link Up

In an effort to blog more regularly, I've decided to join the bandwagon with link ups.  I can't promise I'll do it every week, but it's working to give me something to shoot for at least!  This week I'm linking up with Vodka and Soda for some Humpday Confessions!  

So without further ado, here's a few confessions...

||  Making silly faces with my niece is one of my favorite things in the world.  This girl is the silliest, most animated human being I know and I love it!  Whenever we're in the car she starts asking if we can take sillies, and as long as she's asking, I'll never say no.

||  I'm in a weird space in life.  I'm not sure what the next few months, weeks or even days are going to bring.  I'm not a huge planner, but I do like to have an idea of the larger building blocks in life.  The largest building block - what I spend 8+ hours each day doing - is a complete unknown.  It's unsettling really, and while I'm ok with it at the present moment, it doesn't mean I'm going to be ok with it an hour from now.

||  Due to my lack of control in some major areas in life, I'm not choosing to spend my free time wisely. I've found myself to be unusually "home-bodyish."  If I'm home, I'm in my easy chair and Netflix is on. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm probably eating something unhealthy too.  This is something I'm actively working to change, but I'm being gentle about it.  I feel to some extent that I need this down time, and if I don't give in to it I'm going to feel stress because of it.

||  I once read that in order to remain happy at work you should, at all times, have a vacation scheduled. This allows us to feel excited about the future and gives us something to look forward to.  I haven't had anything on the calendar for some time, but on Friday I went on to Alaska Air and booked a flight to Palm Springs to visit my Aunt and her two fur babies.  I had forgotten how great it feels to have a vacation to look forward to!  I can't wait to sit poolside with a cool drink and spend my days staring at the blue skies and palm trees!  July 11 cannot get here fast enough!!

So there you have it, those are a few things rumbling around in my head right now.  What's something you'd confess today?

Head on over to Vodka and Soda to see some more Humpday Confessions!